I’ve been feeling increasingly more and more frustrated with myself recently, for the past year I was super un-happy with my job, to the point where when I even tried to escape it for just a little while to recharge when we went on holiday to Italy half a year ago, my holiday was ruined with endless shaking in the night when I was alone with my thoughts and sickness whenever I tried to enjoy a meal at the fear of returning to the UK and reality. Something that had seeped into my dreams for nights on end, I would lay in bed at night trembling with anxiety torn between wanting to go to sleep and being able to escape my thoughts, but not wanting to sleep for the fear that morning would come sooner and knowing full well that there was a high chance of my anxiety following into my dreams which resorted in so many night terrors I eventually lost count. Stupidly, I told myself it was all going to pass and I was strong enough not to ask for help, not to even tell close friends or family how much I knew this wasn’t just a shake it off kind of feeling.
Skip forward a further three months and I tried several times to make appointments with my doctor, but was told the next available appointment was in another two months time, or I would need to turn up on the day and wait to see if there were any slots to come available. Something not realistic when at the time I worked on the other side of the city, and couldn’t afford any time off due to the time taken for my holiday, and much needed time I knew I needed to take for a Christmas break. I failed to get an appointment, and hours turned into days, days turned into weeks, and before I knew it I still hadn’t gotten any further without trying to get some help. My hair was falling out in the shower, I put on a stone in weight stress eating, my skin looked grey and I physically felt like I was purely existing to survive.
If you’ve been keeping up with my blog or twitter, you might know that a month back I was made redundant from my job. I felt both saddened and a wave of relief, I knew deep down it was a blessing in disguise as I hadn’t been happy there in some time, but this wasn’t on my own terms. Suddenly everything became very real and I only had four weeks left to find a new job, something which seemed almost impossible after applying for tons of jobs and not hearing back from anywhere, on top of everything else it was incredibly disheartening.
I was offered a job at a new design agency. Something I knew I had the right to be excited over and I knew how much I both wanted and needed it, yet couldn’t help but feel shaken from my previous experience and the harsh fact that being made redundant gave me a serious knock of confidence when I was already at rock bottom.
I keep telling myself that it’s ok to relax at night and go to sleep without worrying, but it feels so far engrained that everything I felt previously, which I honestly believed would magic itself away with a new job, is still hanging over me like a dark cloud. I have no self belief. I was once an eager eyed graduate full of promise and hope, yet now I feel like I’m going to do something wrong, I’m not going to pass my three month review, I’m going to be made redundant again, they’re going to realise I’m not as good as I said I was. I look at the words written down and know it’s ridiculous because I have worked tirelessly for the past few years since graduating to get where I am. My portfolio is my work, it’s my ability, and it’s my ideas. Finding out that the final decision was between me and someone a lot more senior should make me proud to know that I shined the brightest, but for some reason I don’t believe it, it’s time to love myself again.